I just wanna sit alone in a corner, cry and do everything crazy i want now. I didn't expect myself to do badly for my examinations. I feel like killing, stanggling myself and do everything nonsense and crazy to myself!!!!
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Exams are so hard. Teachers are ridiculous. PARENTS are worse that teachers. Parents just don't and can't understand our situation. They think things are easy like their time. Come on, the world is getting more advance and of course things are more difficult. So, i had a call from my mother and she asked me about my results. I said that i pass everything except for..... maths. She suddenly *boom* , explode and started scolding me.
Then after 5 minutes, daddy called. Asked me nicely and softly. So, i said to him that i pass everything except for... maths. So, my dad was "alamak, 3 more marks only, it's okay next time just work harder". Usually fathers are more strict about results but mine is otherwise. See the difference between my mother and father? I broke down when my dad said like that. I felt touched! Not like my mother. Just making me pissed and angry and don't feel like talking to her now!!!
School was okay i guess. Firstly in the morning, we got our remaining scripts back. So, wanna know my results? It sucks to the core i swear!!! So, here's my reslut:
English: P1- 43/60(71%)
P2- 35/80 (
44%)Total: 78/140 (57%) -> added by %
-_-Malay: P1-43/70
P2- 56/70
P3(LC)- 8/10
Orals- 15/20
Total: 122/170
(73%) :OSocial Studies: Section A- 9/18
Section B- 6/12
Total: 15/30
(50%) :<Literature: Set text- 13/25
Unseen- 15/25
Total: 28/50
(56%) :)Biology: Paper 5(MCQ)- 5/10
Paper 6- 10/20
Total: 15/30
(50%) : Physics: Paper 1(MCQ)- 5/10
Paper 2- 12/20
Total: 17/30
(56%) :)POA: 50.5/80
( 63%) :DE.Maths: Paper 1- 29/60
Paper 2- 35/74
Total: 64/134
(47%) :(((((So, for combined humanities and combined science i got 53% which really sucks. So my results totally sucks even though i pass. Suck to the mantle, to the core and to the crust!!!!! Although i pass, it's only a borderline pass except for Malay and POA. I'm not trying to boast about my result or proud of it, it's just that i did badly so i dare to post it here. So, what's done can't be undone. There's nothing i can do about it except for praying that the overall marks in the report book after adding here and there, i'll pass.
Had paint-a-desk thingy today. Instead, palyed games with 3.2 people. Haha, so funny. Played the *tookie tookie* game, *detective and murderer*, *concentration* and *animal game*. Had a really good laugh. After that then we painted the desk and took lots of pictures.
Had a ML language meeting just now. It's about some amazing race thingy at arab street that's gonna happen on 30 may. After it went for Mass Dance practice. It was alright, but my mind was so blank thinking for steps. I can't think of any steps at all!!!!!! DAMMIT. Maybe because im so busy thinking about my results. Of course, went home after that and thinking now how to tell my tuition techer about my E.maths exams results. The thing that im so angry about is that, i failed and almost pass. Like maths. Just 3 more marks and that's it. But whatever it is, im not dropping Maths 'O' level, even though hell with it because i know, if other people can do it, we must and can do it. We must have confidence in ourselves!!! Come on guys, we can do it!!!!
I really feel like killing myself. Im feeling down, really down, feel like crying. Why must this always happen to me? It's not what i wanted also. It's been a million times when i post i feel like crying but this time, im really crying. WHY? The only question i wanna ask you is WHY? I've done my best and that's the results i got. You didn't know how much effort i put on for this exam but just not my luck. DO YOU GET IT!!!!!!!!! What can you do to encourage me more? NAG? SCOLD? COMPARING? What's this? My life is really miserable in this family. I appreciate that i have a family because there are more unfortunate people than me. But, if i were to think back, those unfortunate people are treated far way better than me. They are treated equally. Im not happy. Im just miserable. Im sorry if i lied to you about my results but you don't know why exactly i do this. Im just hoping some encouragement from you not words that make me miserable and stress. But, this is only the paper itself, not yet the overall. Why must you be so angry with me if my friends did better than me and i did badly? You said my marks dropped. So what? Not all the time i'll be the top, have good marks etc. Right? Other people can also. Why must you be afraid that i'll be a STUPID daughter? Are you embarrassed with our relatives, your friends and etc that you have a STUPID DAUGHTER. Fine, i know that IM STUPID, IM STUPID, IM STUPID. You happy? Now, you grounding me during the holidays. You manage to do that? I don't think so. So what im grounded during the holidays? I don't care, im still gonna go out. Hell with it. Though you said that you care about me that's why you ask for my result, i don't think its caring because you scolded me. If you were caring enough you would have said " it's okay, try harder next time, you can do it". What i got? Nothing! Just " see what now, never study, lazy, computer, going out with friends, wasting time, studying last minute blah blah blah, that's why you get this kind of result. All drop!" See what i mean? Im trying so hard here but you, just waiting for the best without doing anything. Alright, you want to know what i want?
-words of encouragement, not nagging, scolding etc
-help from you
-equality
-love
-happiness
-understanding
-caring
-no unrealistic expectations
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There's whole chunk more of things i want from you but this are the main ones. Okay, im done here. Im really feeling miserable. I feel like locking myself in the room. I feel really down. REALLY REALLY REALLY DOWN. Things turned out what i didn't expect.
CURRENT MOOD and FEELINGS: DOWN, sad, stupid, fool, idiot, brainless, useless, wanna be alone, unhappy with things and alot more. Just lazy to elaborate. NO MOOD TO DO ANYTHING. JUST FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF FOR BEING STUPID!!!!
what we could have been, 5:12 PM.
